(published January 24th through my newsletter)
At nine years old, I remember staring at my red digital alarm clock when it turned to 11:11 or 5:55 or 3:33 and making a wish. I always wished the same wish.
I wished this wish on all my birthday cakes for years to come, and when someone would pluck a fallen eyelash from my cheek I’d wish this wish before blowing it off their fingertip.
“I wish for truth.”
When I was a young girl, I didn’t know what this meant. I was wishing for something I couldn’t fathom, I didn’t even know the language of.
But there was a sense that a truth existed, a primary truth, a pervasive truth, that I could be shown. I imagined that when I had seen this truth, the chaos of life would somehow settle. Things would begin to make sense.
I suppose it was after my parents split up that I started making this wish. The divided homes, the emotional wreckage, the confusion precipitated my need for deeper understanding about Life.
At 13 years old, when I started experimenting with hallucinogenics the same wish was there. I was aware that the systems around me – school, parents, society – were not giving me the education my spirit craved. I sought mind-altering substances to show me other ways to see.
I remember lying in a field in January in a tee-shirt in Vermont tripping on LSD – I had strayed away from the boy/girl party a friend was having. 90s grunge rock was playing in the distance. I was lying there looking up at the sky asking “what is it? I know there is something more. What is it?”
There was a glimpse then. A brief crack that said, “yes, there is so much more.” I walked back to the party with the whole sky behind me. Alone but not at all alone.
Over the years I have dipped in and out of this longing to know the truth. I have become distracted by the dazzling stuff of life: A role on a TV show! A cute boy! A new dress! A trip to a foreign country!
I have also been distracted by the weight of life too: Being broke in Hollywood. A painful breakup. A friend’s depression. A persistent virus. A work problem.
I have taken the quest more seriously at times by immersing in silent retreats, fasts, venturing to sit with non-duality teachers that contain the insights that I know illuminate the answer. Or simply spending a train ride reading a book like I Am That by Nisargadatta Maharaj.
The thing I’m so aware of now is that this wish has never waned. It has always been there pounding inside my own heartbeat.
In the Wealth Realization Course, I ask students to design their Dream Futures. When I do this exercise, it’s important for me to burn down beneath the “what I think I want” phase of the exercise.
I think I want lots of things, but when I contemplate actually having them, they feel hollow.
But when I follow the exercise to the END, I see myself living so light, able to move freely so that I can immerse myself in nature, and let the wind blow me to the teachers that know the answers to these original questions. To have the time and space to let my nature dictate my patterns and rhythms… both alone and with loved ones.
It is possible I will get distracted again, but on this bright morning in Joshua Tree, where the sun has scribbled hot pink and deep orange and pale purple across the sky, the wish is stronger than ever… along with the strange echo of knowing – of knowing some part of me already knows the truth.
This wish was the most fundamental thing that fueled this journey out into the unknown. I hope it stays close as January turns into February and life offers up its buffet of temptations over and over again.
Warmest wishes to you, friend… hoping your deepest wish is somehow coming true.
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